Hero of the Irresponsible

It has been more than two years since Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky launched his great SCO onto the world. Many have been praising Putin’s successful Special Military Operation, but what I think is even more impressive is Zelensky’s Super Coping Operation. This masterclass of shifting blame should be studied by the true degenerates, haters, and those who understand that sometimes you gotta find new tactics to make yourself look good, or at least not totally incompetent. 

Not to brag, but I find myself highly qualified to speak on the topic. I have been inhaling tanks of copium since pop warner football. I would actually be playing in the pros right now, but from the first snap the coaches were always out to get me due to me being so much better than their sons, a story as old as time. My parents may think it was my learning disability that stopped me from graduating high school, but I just didn’t do any work because skool is a scam and I heard standardized tests are racist or something. You have a high school diploma? That’s cool, while you sheep did what you were told, I decided to stand for something instead-- no big deal.

That said, the past two years I have thoroughly analyzed the maneuvers and tactics displayed by Zelensky, and have developed what I call the “Zelensky Method.” The ZM is a three-step process guaranteed to make you appear blame-free. Whether its countless failures on the battlefield, or mishaps in your daily life, this method is a surefire way to make sure you come out clean in any situation, and maybe even are praised for it. 

Everyone Needs a Fall Guy

Friends? Oh, you mean my potential scapegoats? The first step in the ZM is you need to understand to be a true Coper is that you need to be prepared to throw anyone, and I mean anyone, under the bus. Zelensky has time and again been amazing at this, as we have seen him fire multiple officials as efforts on the battlefield result in lost troops and territory. 

Even when the whole world knows you’re corrupt, don't worry; simply accuse those under you of being even more corrupt. This is introductory-level coping; a simple “I’m not, you are” tactic we should all be familiar with at this point. Last August, Zelensky decided to “dismiss all regional military commissioners” after the rampant corruption in the Ukrainian government and military became too much to ignore. A beautiful opportunity to make yourself appear as a strong leader, and trim the fat so you can rake in whatever money they were laundering. I told you this guy is a pro. 

Corruption is one thing, but how is Zelensky handling the counteroffensive that didn't work out as planned? Remember when I said you have to be prepared to throw anyone under the bus? Well sometimes that person may be your right hand man. Zelensky chose to to fire Ukraine’s top commander, General Valerii Zaluzhnyi as a result of the counteroffensive. As Zelensky said, “The time for such a renewal is now.” This brilliant move buys Zelensky time for the next failed counteroffensive, at which time you can simply fire the new General, rinse and repeat. 

At times the cope gods will bless you and an opportunity to fire someone will fall into your lap, like what happened with Oleksiy Danilov, the former Secretary of Ukraine's National Security and Defense Council. While no clear reason was given for Danilov’s dismissal, last week he was seen making fun of a Chinese politician's name, which sounds like a vulgar word for penis in the Ukrainian language. Does Zelensky really care about the disrespect against the Chinese official? Of course not! This is simply a move to preserve the façade that he is surrounded by incompetent officials but can manage this circus. 

Your Allies Failed You

This next step may sound similar to the first, but it takes a more experienced coper to execute properly. The key is to attack those who have been your biggest supporters, but not so much that they break ties with you. When the counteroffensive was going poorly, Zelensky decided it was actually the United States’ fault for delaying weapons deliveries. "I'm grateful to the US as the leaders of our support, but I told them as well as European leaders that we would like to start our counteroffensive earlier, and we will need all the weapons and material for that.” Great work by Zelensky by stating he was “grateful,” but still blaming the U.S.; a flawless execution of phase two of the ZM. 

Even when your allies do send you weapons on time, you should say that they aren’t good enough and that you need better ones. Zelensky has been gifted myriad advanced western weapons, but still harps on the one thing he hasn't gotten yet: the F-16 fighter jets. While he may get his wish of new fighter jets, he should simply move on to a new weapon or piece of technology that would be the new "game changer."

If you ask me, Zelensky does not even really want to be accepted into NATO. As an experienced coper, I recognize he is simply doing this because so long as he is not accepted to the club, it is a solid excuse to use for why Ukraine is losing. The second Ukraine is accepted by NATO, it no longer is the sad outsider, the best place for a coping nation to be. 

Your Opponents Cheated

The final step in the process is to attack your opponent. It sounds simple, but to do this right you need to totally abandon any remaining integrity and chuck the truth out of the window. Throw around words like “genocide” to work the liberal barbarians in the West into a frenzy. Even better, take this accusation to the United Nations, as videos of you saying “This is clearly a genocide” will go viral and elicit support until you can think of some more B.S. to say.

Nobody except Genocide Joe Biden likes seeing or hearing about children being harmed. So why not make up a story that Russia has abducted 1,000, no 10,000, actually 200,000 children since the conflict began? Just keep adding zeros. Remember, no lie is too much of a stretch when it comes to trying to absolve yourself of any wrongdoing. Who cares if those children would have been left to fend for themselves on the streets of Ukraine? Every opportunity can be spun to make your enemy look bad.

Now that you are familiarized with the ZM, you need to create a code-red-break-in-case-of-emergency coping card for if all else fails; a “take your ball and go home”-type excuse to get yourself out of something when the other steps may not work. President Zelensky has a perfect code-red-break-in-case-of-emergency cope card if all else fails. If Ukraine is on the brink of collapse, he can simply say, “What did you expect? I’m just an actor.” This leaves his opponents feeling stupid; you didn't think a former comedian would be a good president, did you? Slava Zucchini and good luck to you! If you can't pull off the ZM, maybe you done should had dropped out like me.